Uncle Louie Weighs In
by DSLeo
Summary: From the Great Wherever, Uncle Louie weighs in on the events of S6 and his nephew.


Uncle Louie Weighs In

Disclaimer: Seriously, would I write these things if I owned it?

Summary: From the Great Wherever, Uncle Louie weighs in on the events of S6.

Genre: Angst/Humor

Rating: T for language

AN: You're reading what Uncle Louie is thinking (saying?) to himself.

GG GG GG

* * *

So the Great Whatever is sorta boring, y'know that? Didn't get the resort golf course condo or the mountain cabin, so no idea if this is upstairs, downstairs, or the lobby. Got a feeling this hotel routine is a convenient scam, and I don't even have my da$n baseball cards.

Oh, for $+!# ^'s sake. This editing ^&+$ is... Geez! There! Ya happy?! $%!^ it! Can't even say what I want in my head. Yep, definitely not the Big Happy.

Where was I? Right. Not even my baseball cards!

Freaking fascist FCC-wannabes! What's next, ya gonna put in underlines instead of weird symbols you got off the top bar of a keyboard on a typewriter? Huh, ya s?

Oh, for ~~~~~~'s sake.

Yeah, I get it. Clean it up, ya fat slob or someone's deciding which arrow button gets pushed on that lobby elevator, right? Pfft!

Good TV here, though.

Annnnd my second-favorite-channel after BaseballClassics, 'cuz where else ya gonna watch Lou Gehrig and Roberto Clemente in the same game, it's LukeVision!

Man, that kid's still good for a laugh.

And he called _me_ a big fat fill-in-the-blank-yourselves? I tell ya, if I was alive, I'd die laughing.

Right, get this. The Soap Opera. This kid is clueless. How clueless? Let me fill ya in, since, well, talking to myself is about all I got around here other than TV. Not even beer, ~~~~~~!

Yeah, yeah, ever hear of privacy, ya neuro-Nazis?

Well, well, what's little Lukey Wonderful done this time?

Oh, the hottie with the curly hair and the kid. No, the other one. C'mon, now you Powers-That-Suck are gonna mess with LukeVision?

Hah. More like it. Yeah. The hottie with the curly hair, the kid, who was the _only person to show up at my grave_. Other than Lukey-Luke there. The one who got those... Okay, yeah, those _re_ - _enactors_ to show. The one who arranged a wake not for me but to show Luke our ~~~~~~-up family wasn't necessary, which I coulda told him and did, about six thousand times, not that the dumb ~~~~ listened.

There she is. When he has Rachel trouble, not that he ever barfed up Rachel's existence to her, and that's what with caterpillar funerals... Oh, that is too good to be true, I'm gonna re-die laughing here, a caterpillar funeral! Whoo! ... And porch-fixing and her talking and him listening and his talking and her listening and all those dreams and daydreams and geez, kid, buy a clue and move on ten years ago, would ya? Ask. Out. The. Brunette Delight.

But nope. Not Lukey-Wonderful. The way my brother talked, you'd've thought...

Hey, what'd I say about privacy? You'd'a thunk is the same thing!

~~~~~~~ editors.

Back to LukeVision.

So there's _the wowza_ , and he's still ~~~~~~~ around?

And he said _I_ was a fat loser? Look in the mirror, chrome dome! How's that reflection doin'? Yeah, I thought so. Too bad this place doesn't come with popcorn, this is better than watching that Taylor Loosey-Goosey-Doofy get shouted down at a town meeting. Dooses. Gah. Him and my nephew (ha! Lousy grammar, right past ya!)...

He and my nephew...

Oh, for... Creative control, pretty please with my Hank Aaron rookie card on top?

Geez, like dealing with a cranky umpire!

Way to go, Luke! Lu-uke! Danes Danes Danes! Yeah! That's the way, uh-huh uh-huh, we ~~~~ it up, oh yeah!

You're sitting alone in that dinky-dork apartment again, instead of with Hottie Delicious.

Luke Doesn't Do Change.

That's a big problem. I'd know. Bitter angry loner? Had that down pat when I was eighteen. Didn't change. Still not changing. Hear that, Powers-That-Edit? Ha!

Luke is the Good Kid. The Golden Star On The Report Card Kid. The Helps Old Ladies With Broken Porches Guy. (Also hot young mamas with annoyingly cute kids, heh-heh.) He's Will's Boy. He's Liz's Nice Brother. He's the Likable Danes.

I gotta ask myself how bad the rest of us are if that's the likable one.

So LukeVision is tuned to Oh-Woe-Is-Luke. Sob-sob-sniffle. He lost the hot mama. Well, of course he did. Look at him. Pathetic. Angry, ranting, control freak _pathetic_.

Luke doesn't change. Yep, neither did I. Neither did his dad, which is sorta why the dumb~~~ died of all that red meat and smoke and booze and I dunno what, since Will and I didn't talk. Danes men don't talk. Dead men don't talk, either. Huh, could be why so many Danes men are dead. And here's Luke-don't-change-don't-talk Danes living up to family tradition.

A lot of screwball bass-ackwards loners and losers.

Look at him down there. Makes my stomach turn, and not the good way. Had. It. All. And he balked worse'n a rookie pitcher against his first southpaw hitter!

See, here's how the game's played.

Luke loves Rachel. That's it. Set in stone like my grave marker. Done. He can skate along on that forever. It's done and decided. No effort or input required from him. So when Rachel comes back and he starts to finally clue in that life ain't set in stone? That she might wanna walk the talk and he might wanna not?

Yep, he runs to Hot Brunette Mama and he disappears from Rachel. Poof!

Ah, crap, the kid is _me_.

All those wasted years? Him and me both. My-way-no-way? Yep. Yelling and snarling because no one read our minds? Oh, yeah. Done that, here I am, there he is, and maybe I'm just keeping the chair warm for him.

Then my genius nephew there gets a chance, an opening, again, for the umpteenth year, with Hot Mama. What's he do? Builds. A. Fancy. Garden. Trellis.

Yeah, yeah, keep it in your pants, Powers-That-~~~~ -Me-Off, fine, a _chuppah_ , and gesundheit.

Then he sits and stews all alone in his widdle-biddy apartment, boo-hoo, because she didn't see that as a sign of his undying devotion to her, by building her something to help her marry someone else? What the ~~~~, kid? Noble gesture, but here's a gesture for ya!

Don't you people have anything better to do than clean up my stream of consciousness? What are you, the cosmic EPA?

Oh, and then there's the whole How Dare She Date Other Men. Hey, Nimrod, _ask her out_.

Oh, can't do that. Luke Danes Doesn't Change. ~~~~, only time he does change is when he gets too angry to think. Great life strategy, and speak of angry. Look at that vein. Sure-fire stroke-in-waiting. Betcha he gets a room across the hall from me here in Wherever Beyond Motel.

Burying me? Dealing with my corpse? Credit, he tried to do it right, but that's Who Luke Is. Not who Luke is, if you get me. And he saw it then. Mirror, mirror, in the coffin!

Back to the highlight reel. Hot Mama's looking for love, and what's Lukey-Golden-Guy do? Step up to the plate? Nope. Gets flirty with a lawyer when he's throwing a tantrum over Hot Mama not kneeling at his feet, begging him to accept her adoration, and ends up _married_. After asking Hot Mama what he should do about that party boat to Santa's Workshop. What's she gonna say, idiot? "Hey, you're dating someone else, toss her out like week-old pizza and let me kiss your ~~~~"?

Arrogant. It's a Danes thing. Will got it same as Luke. (Or is that the other way around?) Got that Gold Star Sticker on the forehead and the rest of his life was being the Good Guy Danes. Mr. Ain't-He-Sweet From-His-Head-Down-To-His-Feet, doncha know, and that town don't know, _he ain't that sweet_.

He's petty, insecure, chicken-hearted, controlling, demanding, and too stubborn for a mule to talk to. He sticks to things because he gets the gold star for them. The green truck (aw, ain't his devotion to daddy so cute?) and the backwards baseball cap (just like him to be eccentric, aw!) and the rants (okay, people, even I can say the words 'anger management'!) and living above the diner (oh, such a smart frugal boy!)...

I'm gonna puke and I don't even _eat_ anymore.

Yep, that's what he's seeing in that mirror now. Balding loner Luke. Coulda-woulda-shoulda Luke.

Jackass.

Hey, how'd that get through?

Oh, right. It's an actual word, not just an insult.

Huh. I smell a loophole.

Look at that shmuck. Crying his eyes out. Got the looks, like Will did. Got the savvy to run a business, like Will did. But he couldn't change the label he gave himself in his head, couldn't stand up to that town or to himself enough to decide, "Hey, okay, crap, the marriage thing's getting real, wow, I need a beer and a long weekend with the Hot Mama to work this out."

See, he's been spewing the sewage for years, to himself (c'mon, the self-help book thing was painful to watch, he's known for ten years Who, it's him that lacked the guts, same as I always did)... So he believes it.

So does that Hot Mama, yeah, yeah, she's got a name, get outta my rant!

Now there's a screwy broad. Gorgeous, flaky, lost like a kitten in a dog pound. Look at her. She's actually begging him in the freaking street... Love this replay button... And that's still not enough to crack him! Is he _nuts_? There's a line of men around Connecticut wanna go at that, she's begging him to marry _her_ , and he's still going on about he can't "jump"? Huh? Jump, ya idiot!

Gah, this is painful. I don't even like the kid and it's painful!

Thing is, watch the reruns, and here's how it goes.

Lawyer Lady wanted him to be a full-time husband? Poof. Magically vanishing Luke.

Hot Mama's kid comes home after the Big Spit, because that wasn't even worth a Spat, let me tell ya...

 _Poof_.

Why'm I so hard on my nephew? Simple. I don't like the lying. I was a piece of ~~~~, but I was an honest one.

It wasn't that April kid. He was gonna tell Big Blue Eyes. Gonna be painful, but hey, it was probably a joke at that point, that was his thinking. He was sucking it up for a change.

Then she tells him her kid's back, let's roll, do that wedding, aaaaand...

 _Poof_!

Magic Invisible Diner Man!

Luke Danes Doesn't Do Marriage. Right? He tried, he failed, set in stone, not a marrying guy, not even Hot Mama, okay, got it, her name is Lorelai, sheesh, and the April kid? Oh, she came along at the perfect time. Poof! He had his out.

And the dumb cluck _took it_.

Does he know what I'd give to go back thirty-forty years? And not take the out?

He took it so many times. Every time. He gives himself the out every time.

The kicker is, the dumb cluck didn't ever have to be this way. He's the one who said Luke Danes is This and decided it can't change. Throw anything else at him, and he gets beaned between the eyes like a rookie at his first at-bat in the majors. He knows how to take the swing. He takes the strike instead.

Idiot.

I know. I thought that way. Louie is Louie, and This Is Louie.

Yeah, look what it got me, ya dumb balding loser. A lot of baseball cards and a stone on top. And no Hot Mama ever begging me for love in the street.

What's it gonna take?

Luke Danes, Married To Lorelai. It wasn't real to him. She'd given him so many years and so many chances and so much space... Then her kid comes back, it's real, wham, bang, he's gonna really have to...

Do the same thing he'd done for years, only with a ring on his hand. Wow. Earth-shattering stuff, right? But to him? Luke-shattering.

See, under that Luke-Good-Guy thing, there's always gonna be his Loner-Luke thing. His choice, because not-loner means... What? I sure as bleep don't know.

The kid's a shocker, I get it.

But the real shocker wasn't "Luke-Dad-Danes". Nah. He didn't have time to think of that. It wasn't true yet. Not _that_ day. The one that made _this_ day happen. The day he started his famous vanishing act like Harry ~~~~~~~ Houdini.

Caterpillar Kid back? Yep. Wedding. Is. On.

He'd be Luke-in-law-to-that-redhead-from- ~~~~. That can't be him, dining with rich people! Going to Hartford! Having a step-kid with an inheritance! Nope, Not Luke Danes!

So the kid's his after all and what's he do? Uses her the way he used Hot Mama when he didn't wanna admit he didn't love Rachel or didn't wanna be married to Nicole. Cut her out like he cut _them_ out. And left her thinking she's so worthless she's going to the one guy in the world who'll destroy whatever's left of her, because she's that dead inside after all that game-playing he's done.

If a drunk hit her head-on and sent her to the Happy Beyond, she'd probably be grateful. I kinda was when it finally ended for me.

Worst of it is, Lukey-Luke there never thought about Rachel again after she left. Divorce done? Like Nicole never existed. It's gonna be three months tops, before this one's another thing he won't mention to anyone since it isn't Luke Danes. Danes Men Don't Talk. If it ain't talked, it ain't real.

It got real, and he got runnin'.

Always was good at running.

And she's _dead._ Look at that. She's dead and he did it, and he'll never hack that. Luke Is A Good Boy. That means he doesn't break people apart by ignoring them and yelling at them and lying to them. That Is Not Luke Danes. Even when I got it on tape, highlights at eleven, that it _is_.

Makes me wanna hurl up my last meal and that's years ago.

LukeVision is nothing but reruns. Rachel-Nicole-Lorelai-whoever. Always ends the same. Mr. Devotion is Mr. Disappearing Act.

Luke is a Danes. I know how the story ends. I don't need to keep watching.

Give him a year or two, he'll decide he can be the exact thing he was being to begin with, and then he'll look around and wonder why no one's there.

I was a fat, mean ~~~~~~~. I admit it. Guilty as charged.

But at least I never pretended to be anything else.

Not even to myself.

Yeah, Luke. You look in the mirror at that ball of balding crap. So, you got what you wanted. All the time and space in the world to _figure things out_.

Oh yeah. I sang that tune. I wanted life to come with instant replay, pause, fast forward, and rewind. I wanted life to have a commercial break till I decided I was okay with the score.

And here I sit.

In the Whatever Beyond.

With all the time in the world to figure it out.

And no one to do it with.

And no one to do it _for_.

Idiot.

GG GG GG

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AN: Lorelai insisted Luke was not his uncle. I wondered what his uncle would say, as we watch season 6 wind down, crash, and burn. Flame, comment, whatever. I know this is scattered, since I was trying to put some humor into the ruminations of a man reputed to be a (bleep!). As a result, he is edited for content. Ahem.

No offense to anyone's spiritual or religious conviction is intended. This is a fanfiction drabble, and is not meant to portray the afterlife according to anyone but Uncle Louie.

END


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